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cw // sexual abuse

im in english class. we are analyzing poems, and this one is about a mushroom. we all draw paper slips out of a hat to pick the different lenses to analyze the text with. feminist, psychological, archetypal, marxist, etc. im assigned to look at the poem through a marxist lens, which isnt difficult for me, considering my political developments over the past few years. i finish analyzing my poem, and i feel like i make a pretty strong case that the mushroom is the proletariat, and the tree that its killing is the bourgeois.

i get a snap from my (now official) girlfriend. i dont like snapchat, and i REALLY dont like how people will try to do meaningless streaks. it feels like a phony app, but i keep it around cause a few of my friends (and my girlfriend) use snap and nothing else for messaging. regardless of my pretention about the app, i check it real quick under my desk so the teacher cant see.

“Hey~ thinking about last night 😘”

attached is a selfie of my girlfriend wearing a slightly revealing top, just enough to show some cleavage.

my preoccupied brain is being filled with conflicting information. on one hand, i genuinely love english class and i put a lot of work into my time here. its my favorite class behind computer science and it makes me excited. theres no “wrong” interpretation of literature, you just need some sort of in-text evidence to back your interpretation up. i like this. the subjectivity of it all makes me feel a little less confined by school.

on the other hand, im horny as fuck now.

i think about last night with REDACTED (girlfriend). we had sex for the 2nd time, and i have more than a few scratches on my body to prove it. at least, i think thats what happened? its kinda fuzzy already and theres some details that completely elude me. but regardless, i reply back with a message.

“me toooo <3 miss u already 😘 ill ttyl, im in english class atm”

i dont even put my phone down before i get a response, a few seconds later.

“Oh? Thinking about *dirty* things in school? You're sooo lewd~”

i have no idea what to say. to be quite honest, i feel suffocated by my circumstances at the moment. if my teacher catches me on my phone again, she said she would take it for the rest of the day. on top of that, i cant risk anyone seeing this text. sure, REDACTED doesnt go to our school (shes been out of highschool for 6 years i think?) so its not like anyone would recognize her. but i dont want my sex life to be out there. so i put my phone into sleep for now.

--2 weeks earlier--

i pull up to REDACTEDs house, nervous. i just got off school, and came here right after gsa. apparently gsa stands for “gay straight alliance” normally at other schools, but for our school we changed it to “gender (and) sexuality alliance”. its kinda cool, even though im the only trans person in the club they ask for my input on things like this and i appreciate it. i feel unique and special, if a little isolated from my cis club members.

i text REDACTED that i just arrived, and i walk up to her door. weve only been on one date before, valentines day this year, and that was a couple weeks ago. but here i am. this is the first time im invited to a girls house with no parents around.

i havent had a lot of luck with relationships in the past. ive had one “girlfriend” in middle school, which doesnt really count, as she thought we were just hanging out as friends, and i thought it was romantic. when she “broke up” with me, i cried in the middle of the school day. shit was embarrassing. i had a thing with a girl over discord as well, but we broke up a few months ago. just cant deal with the long distance thing.

REDACTED opens the door, and she hugs me. we head downstairs into the basement. she rents out the basement from her sister, who owns the house. she tells me its a pretty sweet deal, cause she gets tons of space and the rent is dirt cheap. i sit down on a lawn chair, which is pointed at a 45 degree angle so it can look at the tv and simultaneously see the other lawnchair, which she sits on.

“You wanted to kick my ass in Skullgirls right?”

“haha sure im down”

im nervous. i dont know what to say. i feel awkward and weird around people i like *most* of the time, but this feeling is heightened right now.

we boot up skullgirls, and my controls are fucked up. it doesnt really matter though, cause even when im sandbagging the matches arent even close. REDACTED truly does suck ass at skullgirls. we only play 3 rounds.

she asks if im comfortable on the lawn chair. i say its fine. then she asks if i wanna sit in her lap. i accept. i move over to her larger chair, and sit on her lap. she plays with my hair a bit, and kisses me on the head.

wait. i havent ever kissed anyone before. we need to slow down.

the awkward nervous feeling continues, greater this time. i blubber out some words that i dont really know what im doing, and im sorry if i suck at this relationship thing, and i havent even kissed anyone, and she smiles and goes in for a kiss regardless.

lip to lip, tongue to tongue. its half disgusting. not fully disgusting, because i like some of it. i like her lipstick. its a deep blue color, and it tastes kind of sweet. its almost like a mild sour candy. but the rest of this feeling makes me uncomfortable. i dont like the warmth in my mouth, i dont like the wet flesh thats enter me, and im not even good at it. my tongue is stationary as she moves hers around mine. i kinda just wanna go home and be left alone for a while. i let her continue regardless.

blank space

im removing my pants, embarrassingly slowly and awkwardly. i apologize again.

blank space

we walk to REDACTEDs bed, where she pins me down and she shoves her tongue into my mouth again. im almost fully naked. i still have my panties on. i tell her i dont like to think about my penis and if anyone acknowledges it i get upset, so im gonna leave them on. she seems to understand.

blank space

im tied to REDACTEDs bedposts. im receiving fellatio. i have scratches all over my body. im blindfolded. i dont feel happy, and i dont think this is what good sex is. theres too many sensations and im scared. i ask her to stop. i dont know if she hears me.

blank space

i ask REDACTED for water. she leaves the room to get me a glass. i look down at my body, feeling disgusted and disconnected.

blank space

im giving fellatio this time. ive never done this before, and i know im doing a poor job. im not sure how to make REDACTED feel good, and she tells me that its fine. i can stop. i apologize once more and stop.

blank space

groggily, i wake up. REDACTED is holding me from behind, softly grinding her crotch on me. i must have fallen asleep at some point. i look at the time and panic. i have to be home soon. she notices my movement and stops. i tell her i have to leave. my mom is cooking dinner tonight and i have to be home 10 minutes ago.

she walks me out after we both get dressed. she kisses me in the doorway. i have to stand on my toes to reach my lips to hers. she tells me to text her when i get home. i forget.

--2 months later--

“hey REDACTED? can we talk? you havent responded to my texts for a few weeks. im kind of upset that you would ignore me like this.”

im scared and sad and angry. i send REDACTED my final text asking to talk. we havent seen each other since march. its may (the month) now. she rarely replies now, and if she does its to say sorry, because shes been very busy with forming a union at her job lately. i feel betrayed by her. i want to feel her comfort again. i miss being held by her. we havent had any time together since we became “official”. i feel more lonely than i did before we were dating.

later that day, i tell my therapist about REDACTED ignoring me. she seems concerned about the sex thing, but im not. who cares. everyone has a bad first time. and second time. its not a biggie. my confidence is up at least.

little do i know, in a week im going to block REDACTEDs number forever. im going to begin to process what i went through. im going to talk more to my therapist and realize horrible things. im going to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. im going to tell my loved ones, who tell me that its my fault for talking to an older woman. im going to deal with abandonment issues, hypersexuality, and sex aversion. im going to write a twitter thread opening up with my experiences, and receive unconditional support from my loved ones for the first time. im going to feel guilt and misery every day in my adult life. im going to write my experiences down, and post them on my website for the world to see. i dont care anymore. i want to go back to before i knew REDACTED.

but i dont know any of that yet.

for now, i lie in my bed alone. i am isolated from my partner, and isolated from my own body.