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induced solipsism

the same 4 websites that have been checked every 15 minutes, incredibly, have nothing new on them. canned iced tea pours into my mouth. its warm, as its been sitting out for a while. not entirely sure how long.

refresh. nothing new on the timeline. check notifications. nothing. check different website. one new post. the 100 character message is devoured with animalistic desire for attention. said post was made 3 minutes ago, which is about when the page was refreshed last time.

the post is liked, but not replied to. there is nothing valuable to add, not to this post nor to society at large.

my body occupies space inside an internet cafe. or, rather, at home. or, perhaps, my body resides in the library, sitting at the row of computers with 30 minutes of free internet per library card? not sure.

the concept of a human being only existing through the perception of others intrigues me. could someone truly exist if nobody knows of them?

the crosswalk light turns white.

however, the reverse scenario proves to be just as, if not more, interesting. the life lived by me is inherently formed by others, yet i know no one else.

a car speeds past as my body crosses the street. my body falls to the ground in shock.

solipsium has, once again, won out over the rational. when the core of the self is examined, only selfish philsophy remains, so it's no wonder these thoughts refuse to leave my brain.

my head hits the pavement. it bleeds.

someone can only exist if others see them.

people stare at me.

others can only exist if someone sees them.

i can't notice them.

other people may exist, but the lack of knowing them denies me this reality.

i can't recognize someone else's reality.

if other people do not exist, then the lack of them denies me my very existence.

i can't exist, and I can't see anyone else existing.

if anyone else is real, they have not made themselves known to me.

I cry.

8/14/2023